Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Cricket Terminologies For Dating & Sex


Well, to really appreciate this posting, you have to be a fan of cricket like me. Sports mad fans will stand or sit and drink their Tooheys (or VB if you are from the inferior southern city), and cricket being cricket, there will be plenty of time to talk about other stuff. Cricket is full of its own lingo, positions, batting, bowling, catches, fielding... its natural to associate those terms with dating and sex, especially when you are talking with your mates in a pub. Somehow football does not have that many terminologies of phrases where you can equate to dating and sex. We can try:

he missed the bloody penalty - a girl who really likes a guy but he just didn't care

he took a dive in the penalty box - a guy pretending to be someone high and mighty to impress chicks

he was yellow carded - a guy who has been rejected a couple of times by different girls in a bar

he was red carded - a guy trying to pick up chicks in a bar but his girlfriend/wife arrived

he took the ball to the corner flag - playing for time, wasting time, when nothing's ever gonna happen with him and the girl

we did a nice one~two - you and a wing man cooperating to court a chick in a bar successfully

Anyway, you get what I mean, here are some juicy cricket terminologies:

Let one go outside off: Decline an invitation from an unsuitable partner.

Smack one over the bowler's head: Succeed very quickly with a woman.

Pull one over the covers: Masturbation.

Fending 'em off down the leg side: Too many woman to handle.

Fielding at first slip: Running off your mate who has a surplus of feminine attention.

Bowling from both ends: Working two women in the same room.

A barrage of bouncers forcing you to duck for cover: More than one ex-girlfriend in the room while you are trying to tune other women.

Getting your eye in: Practice conversations with women earlier in the night.

Dispatched to the boundary: Have sex.

Whip the bails off: Masturbation or getting a woman's smalls off. "How'd ya go mate? Did ya even get the bails off?

They're flying off the edge: Attempts at conversation or connection with the opposite sex are going awry.

Let it go through to the keeper: Ignore a flirtatious offer from a woman or allow a woman's phone call to go to voicemail.

Batting too high up the order: Aiming too high with women.

Playing county cricket: God's gift to Australian men; English backpackers.

It's all about time in the middle: You need to talk to women often to become successful at it.

Seeing them like watermelons: Having great success with the opposite sex.

Coming out of the hand nicely: Your interactions with women have proved positive so far.

A one-dayer: A one-night stand.

IPL: Exotic action.

Twenty20: Explosive, short-lived sexual encounter, typified by flashy stroke-play.

Running between the wickets let you down: You've drunk a little too much.

Played a very straight bat: You didn't come on to a woman in any shape or form. Usually a mate's ex or sister.

Lot of moisture in the wicket: Many women present at an establishment.

Lot of turn in the wicket: Your interactions with the opposite sex are garnering unpredictable results.

Bowling into the rough: Trying to get a reaction from a woman.

Spent a lot of time at the crease: You've been drinking and/or chatting up for many hours.

Left arm around the wicket: Gay.

French cut: Blokes who act effeminate around women.

12th man: Carries the drinks all night, doesn't get any female company for his troubles. "I've been 12th man the last three weekends in a row."

Appeal against the light: Decline to have sex with a person because of their race/skin colour.

Battling without a helmet: No contraception.

Taking the new ball: Partaking in chemical enhancement after too many beers.

Leg byes: Pulling a root without a great deal of effort.

Enforce the follow-on: Sex after sex. "Mate, we both woke up at 10am and she enforced the follow-on."

Right-arm orthodox: The missionary position.

The yorker: An acute, well-delivered line or action that virtually guarantees sex. "We were getting on pretty good and they I yorked her, so she had to play at the ball."

Seagulling: Sitting in a pub on your own or with a couple of mates and making no contribution whatsoever to the pursuit of the opposite sex.

Duckworth-Lewis: The formula employed to gauge how many drinks you're prepared to buy a woman in order to get her into bed.

Adjust the sight-screen: Drink a few more beers in the hope the girl will somehow grow hotter.

Stranded at the non-striker's end: Your wing man, who was keeping a woman's friend busy, has crashed and burned and both females have brushed you.

Wide ball: Fat.

No ball: Fugly.

Ball tampering: Shaving your privates for a partner.

Night watchman: The father of a young girl with a curfew.

Underarm delivery: Australians acting like dickheads.

Pitch report: When your mate points out the hotties in the place when you arrive.

Stranded on 99: Getting along great in bed, clothes off, about to raise the bat and kiss the emblem and the girl gets cold feet and says no. Doesn't happen often and it was a good knock until then.

Do a Gilly: Walk when you didn't have to, the girl is ready to go home with you but you somehow disappear (tribute to Adam Gilchrist).


p/s photos: Zhou Wei Tong

4 comments:

Richard Cranium said...

Inferior southern city? Up yours, mate.

Ottayan said...

Hi,

I have blogged about this post. Hope you have no objection to it.

Chauncey Gardener said...

Ahhh, cricket terminology has progressed since the days when a maiden over quite literally meant that !

Thanks for the insights.

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