Monday, April 11, 2011

Singapore Army Jokes

Many of you would have seen the photo from Singapore which had a Singaporean soldier strolling along empty-handed, while his poor domestic helper followed carrying his military backpack.Needless to say, this was a howler of a picture, the guy was condemned left right and center.

As a side note, this is one fine example of my usual rants against people who "mistreat" their maids. The same people who go shopping and then have the maid lugging tons of packages, plastic bags, etc. (way over what a normal person should) while they themselves should nothing, worse is when their children also tag along shouldering zilch. What are we teaching our children??? They are our help, not slaves. Imagine your mum or sister having to work as domestic help in an overseas country, and seeing her doing that - how do you feel, and why.

Anyway, the photo brought on a whole load of jokes about the "supposedly pampered" Singapore military. Nury Vittachi put some up in his column in SCMP:

A NATO soldier, standing guard in the rain with a 20-kilogram pack on his back, says: "Life is hard." A People's Liberation Army soldier, standing in snow in an ill-fitting uniform, with a long march ahead, says: "Life is hard." A Singaporean army cadet, taking his iPad out of the pack his maid carried, says: "No wi- fi? WTF?"

The commander sees the hopeless results of Private Tan's shooting exercises and his face falls. Tan, knowing he has done badly, says: "Sorry, sir. I feel like going to a quiet corner and shooting myself." The commander says: "Good idea, la. I suggest you take a LOT of bullets."

Private Lim fails basic training and reports to the commander for punishment. The officer says: "Choose your own forfeit. One month's loss of privileges, or 20 days' pay." The Singapore cadet thinks about it. "I guess I'll take the money."

As a joint exercise of Southeast Asian forces gets under way, a Malaysian general says to a Thai colonel: "I just discovered something that does the work of 50 soldiers." The Thai asks: "Really? What is it?" The Malaysian replies: "Two hundred Singaporean soldiers."

The term "secure the building" means different things to different military personnel. NATO troops: "Occupy the premises and prevent anyone else entering." US Marines: "Make an all-sides armed assault on the place, and then defend it with suppressive fire." Singapore soldiers: "Take out a three-year lease with an option to buy."

Seven ways the Singapore army is trying to boost recruitment: 7) Military transport flights now offer frequent-flier miles; 6) Superiors can be addressed as "Dude;" 5) Walkie- talkies replaced with latest iPhones; 4) There's always plenty of parking at the mall when you're driving a tank; 3) Radar screen toggles with user's Facebook page; 2) New uniform to be issued in Ermenegildo Zegna herringbone, with silk Hermes lining; 1) Rations now include freeze-dried Starbucks latte.

The three golden rules for Singapore cadets: 1) If it doesn't move, hide behind it; 2) If it does move, surrender to it; 3) If it has four legs and isn't a table, eat it.

A Singapore radio station receives a call. "This is the military. Can you tell us the exact time?" The deejay asks: "Who wants to know?" The caller says: "What difference does that make?" The deejay explains: "If you're spies, it's three o'clock. If you're pilots, it's 15:00 hours. If you're navy guys, it's six bells. If you're local army cadets, it's 120 minutes to happy hour."

1 comment:

William said...

Ha Ha this is belated munition for our now CROSS strait neyber!