Hypothetically Speaking
Got this in the mail, had to tweak it a bit, its hypothetical what!!! What if Subject B was to behave like Subject A.
| Subject A | Subject B | |
| Pretend to be drunk | "I talk rubbish when I drink wine." "I can even pretend to talk to President Bush." | "I get horny when I drink wine." "Then I pretended to be screwing my personal friend." |
| Insist that the meeting was pure coincidence | "I bumped into former CJ at Changi Airport on my way to New Zealand." "It was a chance encounter." | "I bumped into my 'personal friend' in Batu Pahat, at Hotel Katerina, inside Room 1301." "Then after I bumped into her, I bumped into her again and again and again lah." |
| Don't admit to being the person in the video clip | "It looks like me, sounds like me." "But I will not say 100% that it's me." | "It looks like me, sounds like me, fucks like me." "But I will not say 100% that it's me." |
| Flat out deny you are guilty | "I was not speaking to Tun AF on the phone." | "I am still a virgin, don't play-play." |
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Samy is a Teflon Fat Cat with 9 Lives who can Fly through the Air in Sungei Siput. We need Rambo
A political satire by Casey Sze Tho
Move aside, Sylvester Stallone. As an aging Rambo at 61 all pumped up with growth hormones, you are not anywhere near our much admired Teflon Fat Cat, Samy Vellu. Our ‘adored’ wily cat may be 72 years old - he may look and sound old, but he is fitted with wings by Godfather Pak Lah to fly through air.
Nevermind if he rambles incoherently sometimes; it is his uncanny ability to deliver the Indian votes to Barisan that continues to make him such a reliable coalition trademark to have in the cabinet. And I am not talking of the kitchen cabinet, but the Malaysian Cabinet! In this cabinet this Fat Cat has outlasted 4 changes of furniture, 3 Prime Ministers, Zakaria Deros of Klang and the ‘close-one-eye MP’ from Melaka. We don’t call him a Teflon Fat Cat for nothing, Rambo!
Samy will again debut in his ninth movie, ‘ Die Harder Siput 9’ on March 8th in his favorite hideaway, Sungei Siput - God’s little green acre for a prancing cat. Here, this sturdy old cat can ‘meow-meow’ for a few more lifetime to come. And should an Indian God favor him – he has since stopped pulling down temples - he will still be around kicking dust up the nose of his enemies; even when you are 64, Rambo. Why? Because this smooth-talking Fat Cat is armored like a Tiger tank, triple-ply teflon-coated and armed with two iron balls, with wings like the American Baldhead Eagle. Being hairless is no liability, for it only makes it easier for him to glide through air to Sungei Siput given less wind resistance.
Fat Cat has been MIC President and Cabinet Minister for 29 years. He has brought down more Indian enemies with his silvery tongue than you have with your M 16s. At an age many may call you a grandfather, Rambo, our adored fat Cat - bald and half stumbling - can still summon more firepower from his numinous tongue than you can with all your knives, arrows and guns. Your brimming muscles are no match for his thick, wily tongue, seemingly the biggest muscle in his body. One small blast from this tongue - you’ll be gasping for air. Thousands have fallen to the ground when he opens his mouth; in his homeground of Sungei Siput, he is not stoppable, not even with silver bullets. Just listen what he yelled to reporters last week in every daily and you’ll tremble. He was quoted saying, “An army can come but I know how to fight it out. I will defend woh foong (Cantonese for Sungei Siput).” With Samy, you don’t play, play, Rambo. He takes no prisoners for when Samy speaks, a roar of thunder will come out from his mouth and bolts of lightning from his arse.
So Sylvester, you think if you produce four films as Rambo over twenty years, you can lay claim to the title of a ‘legendary hero’? Our Fat Cat has survived 8 battles in Sungei Siput and don’t even have a scar to show - not even a scratch to his teflon-coated skin and never once dropped a hair. What I tell you Rambo, you will find it hard to believe but this Fat Cat has held this territory without being nicked even once since 1974. Even more astounding is that he does not have to tear off his shirt like you do halfway through a movie to show his stomach to win. Bullets may be intended for him, but they always fly past him and hit another Indian behind. Such is his invincibility - when you see him on screen, Rambo, you’ll jump up the seat in absolute amazement and choke on dentures.
The Sun on February 21 had on its front page this headline: “MIC goes for new blood.” It went on to put in plain words that Samy is getting rid of 13 of the present incumbents for the state assembly seats because they have outlived their purpose. Samy says he has dropped Tan Sri Dr K.S Nijhar. Why? Nijhar is neither young nor old; worse he cannot meow like a Fat Cat. Samy may be old but only Samy is teflon –coated; only Samy has wings and only Samy can mesmerize Indians with gangster-like incantations, so that these small Indian cats will return again and again to eat from his paws. Ever since Maika’s misadventure in 1993, Fat Cat has a fistful of dollars, so he is ever happy to dole out to other smaller-sized cats that meows like him. One must learn how to meow in unison with Fat Cat or else you are rat meat.
Rambo you are a loner; Fat Cat has a gang. When you fight Rambo, you fight mostly alone. Fat Cat stretches out his paws and allows all the other smaller cats to fight, as if they are children squealing in Michael Jackson’s bedroom. Fat Cat watches and watches and smirks but it is others who get screwed, never Fat Cat.
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When our powerful Fat Cat lifts up his paws, a thousand beguiled Indians will fall down at his knees and run ahead to take the bullets for him in any battle. Small wonder in Sungei Siput, Samy is like a kind of Indian God re-incarnated. That’s because he has the full support of everybody in Sungai Siput - he has built Tamil, Chinese and Malay schools, hospitals and community colleges. He has given every UMNO lapdog a kennel. He has fed every stray MIC cat a couple of good meals. He has ensured that every MCA ‘tai-koh’ can win a small lottery without buying one. More important, he has resisted building tolls there as he is understanding and gentle-hearted on the pockets of local residents, to which he affectionately calls ‘my siputs’. And he builds this fortress of his in Sungei Siput with only his bare paws, like a cat digging a shit-hole, never ever once pushing and pawing money around. That’s why after 8 elections, no other cat can mosey along the grounds of Sungei Siput without being neutered. Our Fat Cat rules in Sungei Siput simply because he is an unstoppable project-teaser with iron balls. You – Rambo, never build anything except latrines in the jungle.
And how does our Fat Cat do it, winning over and over again at every battle, Rambo? The secret is closely guarded, but he has an army of God-fearing Indians who are primed to poke razor-sharp skewers on their backs to pull his golden chariot anytime at his behest. It is now no more a secret, but thanks to Fat Cat, 950,000 Indians did infact turn up for the Thaipusam celebrations last month in Batu Caves. In this irksome battle with Hindraf, Fat Cat was very watchful of “naughty people”, who he claimed, armed with SMSes, were calling his army of Indian warriors not to turn up for the Thaipusam celebrations this year. But Fat Cat was so confident that he was quick to add that “I don’t think those people who want to pray to Lord Muruga will listen to the naughty people who sent the SMSes.”
What’s more, he was even more astute to also claim the day before Lord Muruga was due that “more than a million people are expected to be here but they will come at different times.” So you see, actually 950,000 people went to Batu Caves the night before but you cannot see most of them as they came out at different times. Honestly, I searched all the photos available but saw few Indians, so Fat Cat must be right, they must be coming out at different times.
Are there any other reason why all the Indians were invisible? What really happened to his legion of ardent supporters with whom I could not spot? A little bird flew up to me and whispered to me the other little known secret. This time around - because of the threat from the indomitable Hindraf - Fat Cat was careful to rub each Indian with the invisible ink that the Election Chairman pimped for him. That’s what made 950,000 Indians totally invisible, even under the bright street lights of Batu Caves. Then again, even less known is the fact that every Indian was instantly belly-filled when rubbed with this invisible ink because the ink is like manna from heaven. Although only 20,000 packets of free food were prepared this year, 950,000 Indians did battle for Samy on an empty stomach. They needn’t eat. The caretaker was so pleased with the savings this year that he threw all the leftovers onto the roadside as offerings for Lord Murugu, in addition to coconuts, so Fat Cat was doubly blessed. See, our Fat Cat can make other cats invisible and because if they are invisible they don’t need to eat – such is the might of the magic from our very own Samy Vellu. Can you stick barbeque skewers in your back, pull a chariot for a day and not eat? Bet you can’t, Rambo.
Even more astounding is how long these invincible inks can last. At the gathering in the Cheras Badminton Stadium on Jan 20 for MIC members to pledge their support to Pak Lah, another army of 15,000 invisible Indians turn up. Since the stadium could only accommodate about 8,000 at most, he got the rest of the 7,000 Indians to stand up on the heads of other Indians so that Pak Lah could see that all the Indians are all standing up roof high for him. You could not see because they were all rubbed with invisible ink. This type of illusion, Rambo, you cannot create, not even in your sleep.
Still, a week before that gathering there were rumors going around in the blogs that Fat Cat would pay $1,000 to anyone who could fill up a car of Indians and bring them to the stadium. It is all rubbish of course. Fat Cat is Fat Cat and he will tell you these allegations are absolutely untrue as he will not pay so little if he had to. Just you listen to what he said when the reporters asked him about Hindraf: “These fellows are madly doing things. We are fighting…many people thought that if they keep supporting them (Hindraf) they might get RM1 million. …I can also say it if you support me I can give you RM 2million…”
So Rambo, my Fat Cat is not used to talking small money; he talks big, big money. If your English is not so good, you may not understand what he really meant. What he could have meant was if Hindraf can get the Queen of England to pay every Indian RM 1 million, he can give every Indian RM 2 million. When I read the news report to my wife, she asked me to quickly darken my skin, change my name and report to General Samy in Sungei Siput immediately.
She was also quick to admonish,“ bow down and kiss his hands as you approach him but don’t bend so low as to embarrass him.”
“Don’t bend so low? “Why?”
She rebutted: “ so that he will also not bend so low to receive you and drop his toupee.”
I said, “got toupee, meh? I thought it was hair transplant he got in the 1990s and each and every hair is real?”
She replied,“ He is teflon three-ply coated. He’s got such a strong resolve in his head, it is actually prick proof. Hairs cannot be stitched in because his thick skin cannot be penetrated. The best he can do each morning is put a patch on, squeeze some UHU in-between and pray it is not windy when he steps out of the house.”
This is something you cannot do Rambo. You have too much hair. You are frighteningly hairy. But Fat cat is bald frighteningly.
No yarn about Fat Cat can be complete without restating that his most dangerous enemy today is without doubt Hindraf. In New Dehli, a blurred ‘sotong’ reporter, A Letchumanan asked Samy about the threat from Hindraf. Fat Cat was quick to point out that Hindraf “is not a registered body or a union… we don’t go to the streets to demonstrate…a demonstration by 10,000 people does not mean the country faced unrest. Unrest means the whole community getting together and causing problems. This is not happening”. You see Rambo, 10,000 Indians do not make a summer. But 950,000 invisible ones can cause a winter.
Then back in Kuala Lumpur last Saturday, Hindraf supporters blocked his car in Prai and nobody understood why. Fat Cat claimed they only “ asked me to tell Prime Minister Datuk Seri Abdullah to release the 180 people detained for taking part in the illegal assembly in Kuala Lumpur. They did not talk anything about politics. This does not indicate that they hate me.”
Of course they don’t hate you. They are only out there to mob an Indian star from Bollywood and want a strand of your toupee for remembrance. The next time, bring a spare.
Even more bewildering is that by his own admission Fat Cat claims that the enemy exists only because of him. On the front page of the Sun on Thursday Feb 21, Fat Cat was reported to have said that “Hindraf is because of me, everything they do is because of me. Only because of me everything has happened in this country.” Now you can claim anything you like, Rambo. You can claim you bombed 10 villages and shot down or arrowed 300 somnolent soldiers in any movie. But you cannot claim to invent the enemy. Only Fat Cat can.
Still, there was another conflicting report out of the STAR on February 20. Fat Cat was reported to have said that “if the Indian community decided that they did not want him he was prepared to go even now.” He said, “ I am prepared but that decision must be made by the Indian community and not by outsiders because I represent the Indians in the government.”
With that statement, even I was totally stumped, Rambo. For none of the constituencies MIC is contesting – including Sungei Siput – has a clear Indian majority. So if Samy loses in Sungei Siput, will this teflon wily old cat turn around and say actually all the Indians voted for him but the non-Indians did not and that’s why he lost? Truly an amazing story I tell you, Rambo. Your Rambo sagas all have no twist at the end. The kind of story twist Fat Cat can conjure, he can be a top dog writer in Bollywood after his retirement.
Finally, Fat Cat said that he would hand the party to his deputy when the time comes. “ I will give way at the opportune time. If I leave the party now, the party will be in disarray. It is not that I wish to go on for another 100 years. Everyone has a time to go.”
Too bad, Datuk G Palanivel. He has no wish to go on for another 100 years; nay not even 50 years; nay not even 25 years, just 10 more years will do. By then Rambo, you will be 71 but Fat Cat will only be 82.
You’ll be slow, haggard and probably crabby. But Fat Cat will still be prancing around his delicate paws and purring his soft meow meows to another Prime Minister, long after your growth hormones have ceased to work and you turn bald.
Fat Cat? He’s never bald. Have toupee, will fight.
Meow, meow.
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