Humour 101

This is largely a repost (with some updates) of some smart-ass definition for financial jargon. Had to do it for the benefit of newer readers of the blog. Some of them are copied and some courtesy of my twisted sense of humour.


EBITDA
Earnings Before I Tricked the Dumb Auditor


EBIT

Earnings Before Irregularities and Tempering


Top-Down Investing

People with a bit of economics knowledge but scared shitless about accounting


Bottom-Up Investing

People who knows a bit about accounting but hates fiction


Unusual Market Activity

Something the management and directors always know NOTHING about


Averaging Down Investing

When you totally ignore the fact that you were wrong in the first instance


Doubling Up Investing

Making doubly sure that you are more than fully-invested when the stock eventually tanks

CEO

Chief Embezzlement Officer


CFO

Chief Fraud Officer


Second Board

What Second Board???


Margin Account

Shorter rope, tighter noose


Hedge Funds

"Institutionalised" margin accounts


NAV

Normal Andersen Valuation

NPAT

Never Pay Any Tax


EPS

Eventual Prison Sentence


Federal Reserve Board

Bank of Japan on Prozac


Equity Research

As useful as yesterday's newspaper


Equity Analysts

Hopes no one discovers how average they are


Fund Managers

Sponges off the brains of analysts and strategists and call it their own

Unit Trusts & Mutual Funds

People who hope & pray that investors don't realize that more than 90% of them cannot outperform their respective indices

Chartists & Quants With Trading Programs

People who have given up trying to understand the stock markets


Short Term Investor

Someone who is in-and-out within 3 days or less


Long Term Investor
A short term investor who cannot get out profitably after 3 days


Bull Market
A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius

Bear Market
A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewellery, and the husband gets no sex

Off Balance Sheet Items
More important than items in the balance sheet, and represent things that really should be in the balance sheet

Momentum Investing
The fine art of buying high and selling low with the crowd

Value Investing
The art of buying low and selling lower

P/E ratio
The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the Market keeps crashing

Remisier
Someone who should have kept their previous job

Investor Protection
Padded walls in broking halls

Market Correction
The day after you buy stocks

Cash Flow
The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet

Institutional Investor
Past year investor who is now locked up in a nuthouse

Economist
Someone who tells you why their predictions went wrong after every quarter, and proceeds to give a confident prediction for the next 3 quarters

Bursa Pursuit
Honing the art of trading warrants with less than 10 days to expiry

Bursa, Lion & Berjaya
Average but lucky buggers

China A-Shares
"A" for astronomical & absurd

HK H-shares
"H" for hapless & hibernating

Chinese Covered Warrants
Only type of China dolls approved by the wives

CDOs
Things you didn't know or understood 6 months ago

Super Link Houses
Things that didn't exist a year ago

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