Monday, January 22, 2007

Financial Jargon & Terminologies For The Current Times

This is largely a repost of some smart-ass definition for financial jargon.

Earnings Before I Tricked the Dumb Auditor

Earnings Before Irregularities and Tempering

Top-Down Investing
People with a bit of economics knowledge but scared shitless about accounting

Bottom-Up Investing
People who knows a bit about accounting but hates fiction

Unusual Market Activity
Something the management and directors always know NOTHING about

Averaging Down Investing
When you totally ignore the fact that you were wrong in the first instance

Doubling Up Investing
Making doubly sure that you are more than fully-invested when the stock eventually tanks

Chief Embezzlement Officer

Chief Fraud Officer

Second Board
What Second Board???

Margin Account
Shorter rope, tighter noose

Hedge Funds
"Institutionalised" margin accounts

Normal Andersen Valuation

Never Pay Any Tax

Eventual Prison Sentence

Federal Reserve Board
Bank of Japan on Prozac

Equity Research
As useful as a used condom

Equity Analysts
Hopes no one discovers how average they are

Fund Managers
Sponges off the brains of analysts and strategists and call it their own

Chartists & Rocket Scientists With Trading Programs
People who have given up trying to understand the stock markets

Short Term Investor
Someone who is in-and-out within 3 days or less

Long Term Investor
A short term investor who cannot get out profitably after 3 days

Bull Market
A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius

Bear Market
A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewellery, and the husband gets no sex

Off Balance Sheet Items
More important than items in the balance sheet, and represent things that really should be in the balance sheet

Momentum Investing
The fine art of buying high and selling low with the crowd

Value Investing
The art of buying low and selling lower

P/E ratio
The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the Market keeps crashing

Stock Broker
Poorer than you were last year

Someone who should have kept their previous job

Investor Protection
Padded walls in broking halls

Market Correction
The day after you buy stocks

Cash Flow
The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet

Institutional Investor
Past year investor who is now locked up in a nuthouse

Someone who tells you why their predictions went wrong after every quarter, and proceeds to give a confident prediction for the next 3 quarters

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